Lolita or: The Lifeboat is Sinking
So I’m sitting quietly watching House-amazing episode, great tips on how to throw a proper bachelor party-when I get a call on my cell from an unlisted number. I hesitate at first, and by the time I decide to answer the phone whoever is on the other side hangs up. The opportunity has passed. Or so I thought. Not ten minutes later I get another call from, you guessed it, an unlisted number. This time, without hesitation, I answer the phone and the conversation goes something like this:
Me: Hello?
Unknown: (voice of a 19ish year old girl) Hi, I’m calling from the [Some church, I honestly can't remember the name. I don't pay attention to details]. I’m calling to offer you a deal, buy one bible now and we’ll send you another one for fr…
Me: No.
Church: Excuse me?
Me: No. I don’t want a bible.
Church: May I ask why?
Me: I’m not religious.
Church: Oh, well sometimes we get names on our list of people who aren’t Christian. May I ask what your faith is?
Me: I have none.
Church: Are you saying you don’t believe in God? I know it’s not my right to pry…
Me: If it’s not your right, then why are you?
Church: …but why don’t you believe in God?
Me: Well, He and I had an argument a few years back. Some unpleasant words were exchanged. I may have said a few things out of anger that I now regret…
Church: (sounding confused) So you had an argument with someone in your family and now you’re an atheist?
Me: No, I’m not an atheist.
Church: So if you associated with a religion, what would it be?
Me: Excuse me? If I *had* to choose a religion? I would pick none.
Church: So you don’t believe in anything?
Me: I believe that if something is out there I’ll never know about it for certain.
Church: (sounding very excited) This is going to be fun. I love debating!
Me: I am not going to debate you.
Church: Why not? I can find someone with a sexier voice to talk to if you want.
Me: Look, to be honest, I’m not going to take anything you say seriously and you aren’t going to convert me. Every answer I give you will be sarcastic and glib so could you please just take my name off of your list and leave me alone?
Church: I will not take your name off our list.
Me: Seriously? Look, I’m not going to buy any bibles from you, and honestly I think it’s creepy that I’m getting calls from a church on an unlisted number.
Church: Well maybe that’s just God’s way of making his presence known to you. Maybe it’s His way of saying you should convert now or you’ll go to Hell when you die.
Me: I prefer Hell.
Church: (sounding very confused and slightly frightened) …Why?
Me: I imagine the weather would be better. I prefer warm climates. And the people would be more interesting. (I hang up).
I have a theory that I was finally able to apply during this conversation: When in a situation where you are forced to interact with a clown, the only reasonable strategy is to out-clown the clown. Make a mockery of the entire situation and try to have some fun with it instead. This girl was not going to convert me, plain and simple. I could have just said no and hung up. But where’s the fun in that? Why not have some fun with the religious nut who told me I was going to Hell if I didn’t take advantage of her “buy one, get one free” deal?
And is that really all it takes to get into Heaven these days? Because if so I hope her deal is still valid when I’m on my death bed. If there’s one thing I learned in business school it’s always hedge your position.
But I digress. I call this tactic “The Clown Defense” or “The Stephen Colbert”, and I highly recommend it to anyone who is in an equally annoying situation and wants to make the best out of it.
